welcome vincent.

hi me.

meet me.

for those who happen to find this blog, i congratulate you, you have found the emo side of me.

i guess i am going back to blogging after all. its kinda funny because i am those kind who dont give a fuck to blogs. well here i am now blogging in the middle of the night after a stick of cigarette. oh ya, i smoke nowadays, i just started it one year ago. its funny how i always tell myself that i will never ever smoke because i will get sick after smelling the smoke that the cigarette gives off.

it all started off with just a friend of mine, Raihan, passed away due to throat cancer. and here i am smoking the cigarette. i wouldnt want to blame it on him, but i already have the urge to try smoke just wanting to know what is the feeling of some tar and nicotine air go through your throat and into your lungs. i guess humans are inquisitive afterall. well... that applies to most of it.

call me a coward if you want, i am used to it. being called names every since i was born. being subjected to the one who is easily bullied by people. and always suck at relationships. up till date now, i never had a decent relationship with a girl because i am just god dammed impatient and paranoid about things.

i can still remember the first time i tried to chase a girl during sec 1, i kept giving endless phone calls to that certain girl, then suddenly i got tired of it, or felt like giving up because there are rumors that somebody else was chasing her too. because of that i just give up on her. that was the time when i think that any girl with a good heart regardless of what they look would be fine.

because of that i took notice of another girl, who isnt that good looking but with a nice heart. but because that, people say things about me until i stopped contacting the girl and eventually treated her invisible. i am too easily influenced by people. time passed, and now this girl from a average student became a girl who neglected studies and started to lose its trust for the people around her. i guess i screwed her pretty much, not physically but mentally.

soon i came across another girl, who isnt not too bad looking and with a cheeking attitude. we hang out and chit chat for a few times, but because of rumors started spreading again, i kinda like drift away from her. there you go another chance that was blew away.

soon it was sec 3, when i manage to get to know this girl whom i took notice for a very long time since sec 1. she is beautiful, diligent, clever, and she just live next to my flat. she was pretty much everything that i had imagined at that point of time. we met in camp at OBS, and soon from there we started to chit chat, but there is always that barrier between us because i am just not that caliber that she was looking for, and also she was the kind who put studies first more than anything. i had chased her for practically 2-3 years. i still can remember every valentines day i was rejected and thrown to a corner. to me, valentines day is the suckest day ever created.

i remembered vividly during valentines day after sec 4, during the period of the graduates waiting for their results to poly/jc. i asked her out, and she finally agreed to go out with me. so that day started out of me picking her up after her 3th month trial at tampines JC. i was excited on that day, i couldnt sleep on the night before. i was busy preparing all the things for the next day, i had booked a table for 2 accompanied with a heart-shaped cake. i also ordered a bouquet of flowers for her. on the actual day, we met up, chit chat happily in the bus with her talking about her life at the jc. since she was in her school uniform, i suggested to go home first for her to get changed and also since it is still too early for the dinner.

just 30 mins when she after she reached home, i received a sms. saying that she was unable to go out because her mother had cook dinner for her, that time i still remember it is still early in the afternoon. i smsed back to her to ask why cant she go out, and especially on valentines day. but she didnt reply. i tired to send multiple messages after that but still it was useless. tired calling but no one would pick up the phone. at that point of time i had already given up on going to eat with her, so i gave my reservations and cake to my friend. but i still had that bouquet of flower left. at least now the most that i can do is just give her the flowers personally, face to face. so i send another and final message to her saying i just wanna meet up downstairs to pass an item. but still, there was no reply...
and so i had finally given up, i called and asked my friend which floor and unit she stays in, and i just left that bouquet of flowers on her doorsteps...

soon it is poly 1 for me, during orientation camp, the first person and the girl who unusually introduced herself to me. i was kinda shocked and felt that she was a little bit weird. but i was wrong. not before long, i had fallen for a girl... once again. and starting we are going fine, but whenever i tried to ask her out, i was being turn down. i have done everything i could to chase her, but it was useless, we have totally different interest, she was interested in dancing, but i couldnt dance for nuts, i even broke my toe once for trying it. eventually she was together with some ugly shitbag who dance like a totally dounce and looks like a total fucktard. well... thats life...

soon things had became still for a moment of time. not until i met this girl in my part time workplace. she was beautiful, we got along really really well. i thought i might get to finally have a good looking girlfriend & also my first girlfriend ever. we meet up a couple of times after work, went to supper for a few times when i drove in my dad's car. we even went to east coast to chill out. but there is always something that is not right. she always pick up her phone calls when we are together, but when i call her when she was with her friends, she said she cant talk to me because she was with her friends. sometimes she dont reply my sms saying her phone's batt is low, in which it happens almost all the time. but ultimately in the end it was i who screw things up again. because of her being not able to reply me, i became impatient and tried to rush things, and making things more complicated. soon we had lost touch with each other.

recently, i started to take interest in this girl, who has a nice facial features around her, with nice brown hair flowing down to her shoulders. again. i had fallen in love. her name was P. she lives quite far away from my place that i am living, its is practically the other side of the island that i was living on, i am living in the east while she was living in the west. we started off with just friend chit chatting around, then we started to chat on msn, soon there is one incident when she was drinking with her friends around at her place, i was just trying my luck asking her if she needs a ride back home since it was late night and she may be drunk. at first she was reluctant because it was far from my place to her place, but in the end i convinced her. so i went to pick her up, that then we sat down and chatted at her house downstairs, talking about alot of things. so fews days passed after that, P and i had a decent amount of sms-ing with each other. but suddenly she 'slowed' her pace of replying back to me, and the topic is getting more and more boring and the replies are short. then i started to ask i am getting irritating, and her reply was : "kinda" i took a step back from there because i dont want to ruin the chance again.

about a month ago, when the school internship had just started, i finally manage to contact her during my work when i was in msn. it one of the day when i chatted with her that i realised that her birthday was on that day. during that day i finally get to chat with her lively again. soon a few weeks after that, i bought presents for her which is a pink lychee martini and a bread lookalike armrest because she told me she recently was not feeling well due to work stress and not eating well. when we met up just two days ago, we had a wonderful time,i gave her the presents, she was happy, we ate at a fancy jap-western restaurant that i managed to book on the day. i had to sneak out of work just to book for a table for 2. during that day, she was telling me how she wanted to surprised her friend on her birthday (which is on the next day) with 20 balloons. so i offered to accompany her to get the balloons, because bringing 20 balloons without anyone noticing on a public transport is hard.

so we met up on the next day, we went to find places that provides balloon blowing services at around 8pm. luckily we had found one after driving and searching for 2 hours. even though it was long, we had alot of fun. (well at least from my point of view). when we were reaching the destination of the birthday party, one thing that she said made me feel uneasy. she said:" i wonder what would they say if they see us together in a car like that." i am speechless at that time. i just smiled. when we reached, 3 of her friends (my classmates too) came out to help to bring the balloons and items inside, when we saw each other, i kept and head down and said hi. i felt like a coward during that point of time. when P and her friends are getting the balloons out, i took a cigarette out and started to smoke, i cant handle the uneasy feeling at that time. and i had done something very wrong because i promised P that i wouldnt smoke infront of her. but i did...

maybe i was getting paranoid because this morning i smsed her asking whether did she had fun last night, but there was no reply until now. maybe her phone's batt also down?

well for now i just hope we can get back into close contact because i really dont want to lose a chance, especially like her. she was all the girls i met before, all into one...

i am truly CRAZY FOR YOU.